careing for chronically ill spouse

[bobsledder]

My wife has had complex migraine headaches for about 2 and a half years,and chronic lower back disk problems. She is in bed about 40% of the time and is able to be out and about 10% of the time. the other 50% she is around the house but resting ( recovering from a migraine). I hate to be a whiner and I dont say much around the kids (they are adults thankfully) or other family, but I find myself feeling lonley. My wife dose'nt want anyone to be talking about her and is defensive about the way she is "dealing" with her situation. What is starting to get to me is she seems to get the energy to do the fun stuff in life and the rest of life I get to deal with. I do fun stuff also so life is OK just not great.

If you have any personal experience with a similar situation could you share how you cope with life as it is now.

Thanks to good hearted JD people

 

[jr37]

I don't have any advice. But, I think you are a saint for helping your wife and sticking it out during the rough times. To many would run when times are tough, and only enjoy the good times. God won't give you anymore than you can handle, and your rewards will be great. I wish you the best!

 

[garyl62]

I don't have experience with what your going through either but I'd be happy to shoot a reply back to you to keep a conversation going so you have some conversation and potentially get over that lonely feeling when it hits. You need all the support you can get and I'm sure that a lot of people here will do what they can to provide that to both you and your wife. I know I will both through some prayer and some threads here.

Gary

 

[polaris4me]

I am sure your wife has seen many Dr's. But this place is one of the best for headaches and neck pain. Michigan Head-Pain & Neurological Institute .
www.mhni.com
They helped me, I had headache 24/7 for 6 months. My family Dr. referred me and WOW they have some great people there to help. It would be worth your time to check them out.
Good luck to you and your family.

 

[anonomoose]

Seems to me that you are actually dealing with two things going on at the same time.

First is pain which is sapping life from much of her life. So much so that she won't go very many places unless she KNOWS she will enjoy it, otherwise the pain is not worth the effort.

The second is that over time debilitating pain can begin to control your life and the psychological aspects which boxes you in more and more until it can envelope her (and your) entire life. It becomes all consuming....

As a family including your adult children you have trusted support built in (usually) so you should discuss this personally with each family member and then set a time and place and discuss it as a group including your wife.

Doing so can surface a whole bunch of stuff...some of which you might not even be aware of. Then get some professional help for this via psychologist who deals with pain management.

As most women will tell you having gone thru child birth without use of pain meds, pain can be managed if your brain will allow you to do it. Mind over sort of thing.

Try and remember if you can, that once your wife didn't have these issues and over time she has developed them and the associated problems that come with all that. Pain is NOT something you see...but is only felt. If she thinks she has pain then it is the same as if she actually has pain. It also can be an excuse for not dealing with life. It can also be a way to get attention that may not happen otherwise.


For you the help her, you must understand what she is going thru, help her to get improvement in every way possible and then begin enjoying life again by improving her life. If she won't do it then the other option is to work around her issue with solving your own.

We only get one crack at life....might as well find a detour if the road gets blocked. How can anyone fault you for wanting that?

 

[garageguy]

My girl friend of 6 years is diabetic and is in end stage kidney failure. We do at home hemo dialisyse and it takes about 3 hours of my time 5 days a week. Its a big comitment on my part and it has its limitations on what we both can do. We try to make the best of things, and look forward to getting a transplant down the road.
I try to do my paper work and computer work while we do treatments, or we watch movies to pass the time.
Were not married so it would be easy to move on, but when you care for someone, and you know they would do the same for you, you just take one day at a time, realize that life is short, and make the best of every day.

 

[bobsledder]

Garageguy

My hats off to you,moveing on sounds easy however life is what it is and you have to decide to handle whatever it gives you. God Bless

 

[bobsledder]

Thank you all

Thanks for the kind words, sometimes just knowing other people care about you and yours is a great comfort.
Bob

 

[yarls24]

Keep doing the things that bring you happiness, like teaching the Snowmobile Safety Class. I will never forget 3 years ago when I walked in to the Firehouse with my 12 yr old son and his friend for the class. My son still talks about you teaching that class with your buddy. You are making a difference in kids lives, my son remembers everything you taught that day. He surely will pass that on to his kids, that Trainer Bob told me that you need to follow the rules and be safe on those trails. It was well worth the 1 hour 20 minute drive, I stayed in your class and really enjoyed it. I hope things get better for you. Thanks Bob!!!

 

[kaboolie]

I haven't been going through it for years but the last 6 weeks have been tough and we have another 6 months to go. My Boyfriend Squat was hit on his motorcycle and his recovery is going to be slow. He's having surgery in the next 2 weeks for a brain aneurysm which is a 12 week recovery in it's self.
The doctor appointments, arguements with insurance companies and keeping track of everything plus running an in home daycare and taking care of my daughter, horse, dog, the house & lawn on top of it all sometimes feels overwhelming.
The best advice I can give you is to talk to your family and friends, support is everything. If you feel alone everything is 10 times harder!! You need the people closest to you to know what is going on, especially your kids.
Just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you and your wife.

Kaboolie

 

[cats19]

Something for you to consider. An Atlas Orthoganal/Upper Cervical Chiropractor. You are likely not familiar with this type of Chiro (as most are not) but it can really really help. I have had family members with crazy bad migraines get them fixed by this. This type of Chiro doesn't do any cracking like most of us think when we hear the word Chiropractor. Instead focuses on the Atlas, a bone in your neck resposible for aligning your spine and and allowing the nerves to talk to eachother effecting all types of health. I wouldn't even bother writing this if I haven't seen it work for myself.

Check out this website and watch the videos: http://www.globalao.com/. I really do think it can help her.
These type of Chiros are NOT a dime a dozen like regular Chiros because it is a specialized field of Chiro but I think you should be able to find one relitively close to you. You can do a search on that website for one near you, but also know that not all are listed so you may have to do a google search for one in your area as well.

God Bless and I really think this can help her!

 

[bobsledder]

Thanks to all! We are farming hard now due to the drought so I dont get this checked very often, but I doo appreciate the kinf words and "tips".

yarls24 I am so pleased your group enjoyed the safety class. Sometimes we wonder if we make much difference, thanks for the assurance it is not a poor use of our time. I am amazed you son remembers my name, and some info from class.

my best
Bob

 

[lenny]

My wife has had some back issues for the last 3 years and it does greatly effect quality of life. Often she is unable to do things she and I want to do but it's not nearly as bad as what you have described. I do my best to help her in any way I can and she does not seem to take advantage of that but I also push her to take care of herself. I know we cannot allow our spouses to become complacent especially as we get older with health issues. She had a goof of a doc a while back and it was discouraging and that contributes to health decline.

Sounds like you have done well and are a good man. Talk to your wife (if you haven't) and be sure to let her know your concerns and that you are by her side regardless. I'll keep you in my prayers, stay strong bud!