Okay here's the deal....remember when you used to throw surprise birthday parties for her and she loved it?
Well, listen up here...this is going to make the medicine go down a whole lot easier.
First of all, don't make the move to GOD's country until August 1st, but no later than August 5th...that way you are most likely not to be slipping and sliding around...and that way no gray hair develops prematurely on your thinning hairline.
Now, go buy her a big ole goose down jacket....don't go cheap here...get the one that makes you look like the Michelin man....nice and big and puffy.
Stuff that sucker into a big old box, wrap it up nicely and put a great big red bow on it...wait...make it a white bow...don't want to overwhelm her or she will get suspicious of another woman.
Now when she pulls that thing out...(if it get stuck in the box, just reach over and help her gently pull it out so's you don't rip it right off the get go) and put it on her...then tell her how lovely she looks and it makes her butt look much smaller...and if you did get the biggest jacket you can find, it definitely WILL make her butt look smaller, so it won't be a lie.
Now tell her that this is jist for days that you feel "chilly"....and that it is NOT a winter coat. Are you gettin my drift here....??? These jackets are STANDARD equipment for Michigan's Upper Pennisula....and EVERYBODY has one, as evidenced by those wearing them even in the dead of summer and modeled by the fashionable people who know value and function.
Then when you get to the Yuupee...and August 6th gets around, before she gets out of bed and her feet hit that icebox floor and begin to freeze to the floor boards....run grab her slippers and the jacket and hand it to her, and explain that "flu season...is right around the corner" and that you don't want her to catch it this early in the season.
Now run....don't walk....to the thermostat, crack that sucker up to "overloaded...not advised" setting. Then RUN....don't walk to the kitchen make a quick cup of scalding HOT...coffee....use instant, no time for the coffee maker...then move quickly back to the bedroom where hopefully she is still yawning and has now donned the jacket and softly lay the tray of coffee on her lap....this is both a stall tactic and a warming apparatus, which allows the furnace to get the air temp up above freezing and you will no longer detect your breath in the air.
As soon as the coffee is done with....ask her nicely what she plans on doing today, and when she says, "well honey, nice of you to ask, I was going to unpack a few more boxes...." interrupt her and say, "hey why don't we head on down to the big metropolis, and visit, shop...well, maybe not really shop but pretend that you are going to go shopping with only two stores...your really can't call it shopping now can you??....or something other than stick around that drafty house while that furnace is building pressure and trying to ward off the frost on the counter tops....you know, get her out of the house. The car heats up very fast, and if you jump into your boots and Kromer, sneak out and get that car started...and if it hesitates, remember to pump the gas peddle about a dozen times before trying the second time or you are gong to be screwed.
Now this plan will work well for the first day....you're going to have to think of something else for the other 345 or 350 days of the year....otherwise, your going to be a single retiree....who uses web cast for communications to the wifee...who will hightail it out of the U-PEE, and if you look really really hard with a good set of binoculars, at that jet leaving the airport you will be able to make out your wife's seat and the gesture she will be making as you wave goodbye to her on the way back to that hot box state where nobody but NASH speaks English......
