Need some help (advice) from the JDee community

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dexterrutecky63

New member
Hello to the JDee community. I am a normal poster on this board, but I have created a new account to make sure my brother does not read this post and attribute it to me.

My brother is 23 years old and long story short, I just got a call from an old friend of his. They are no longer friends, due to choices my brother made and a falling out, but this friend (who I trust and who is a good guy) called me to tell me that my brother has been smoking weed for about 2-3 years and sometime since then also started doing cocaine. He called me out of genuine concern and said that he is concerned my brother may be getting into even more serious drugs, and that he is hanging out with a dangerous crowd.

My brother has done a very good job at hiding this from our family, but in hindsight a lot of the warning signs have been there for sure. I am kicking myself for missing this, but no one in our family has had any drug problems and my brother did hide this very well. I also think I was in the ignorance is bliss mindset. I am certain that my brother is involved in drugs, but I don't know what to do or how serious it is at this point. I do realize that weed was his gateway and now that he is into coke, or worse, I'm very concerned. He is the type of guy who will lie his teeth off to protect himself and my fear is that he will literally go into hiding if I confront him about this. I know for a fact that he has been hanging out with "the wrong crowd". There are lots of addicts who he now calls friends.

Without getting into too many details, does anyone have any advice on how to approach him or try to intervene in this? I realize this will be a painful process most likely. How do I do this?
 
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lenny

Guest
dexterrutecky63 said:
Hello to the JDee community. I am a normal poster on this board, but I have created a new account to make sure my brother does not read this post and attribute it to me.

My brother is 23 years old and long story short, I just got a call from an old friend of his. They are no longer friends, due to choices my brother made and a falling out, but this friend (who I trust and who is a good guy) called me to tell me that my brother has been smoking weed for about 2-3 years and sometime since then also started doing cocaine. He called me out of genuine concern and said that he is concerned my brother may be getting into even more serious drugs, and that he is hanging out with a dangerous crowd.

My brother has done a very good job at hiding this from our family, but in hindsight a lot of the warning signs have been there for sure. I am kicking myself for missing this, but no one in our family has had any drug problems and my brother did hide this very well. I also think I was in the ignorance is bliss mindset. I am certain that my brother is involved in drugs, but I don't know what to do or how serious it is at this point. I do realize that weed was his gateway and now that he is into coke, or worse, I'm very concerned. He is the type of guy who will lie his teeth off to protect himself and my fear is that he will literally go into hiding if I confront him about this. I know for a fact that he has been hanging out with "the wrong crowd". There are lots of addicts who he now calls friends.

Without getting into too many details, does anyone have any advice on how to approach him or try to intervene in this? I realize this will be a painful process most likely. How do I do this?
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Well,,, lets establish that you love him because he is your bro. You have an opportunity to step out in love and concern for your bro.

I was your brother some 23 years ago but despite that, there is not a clear and easy way to respond. One thing I can tell you for sure is that whoever he loves dearly and respects greatly, make sure they are involved and do not wait to long. This is a sensitive matter and doing something and making a mistake is better than waiting and wondering. Often tomorrow is to late. My delivery so to speak came when my wife to be gave me an ultimatum. She didn't want to be married to a drugie, liar, manipulator, womanizer, all the things I was not when we meet. I mention this to point out the relevance of acting fast. Often, drugies come to the place of no return and have mental or physical damage. Be prepared in your emotional state that he may not respond positively and there's nothing you can do about it. Remember, love covers a multitude of sins. Don't fight him, yell, call him names or be disrespectful. Reason with him while he is straight. Remind him of the things you see that he has compromised in his life as a result of his drug use. Lift him up and carry him to safety in whatever means you see fit. Do not lie or enable him. As you see, there are many ways. He is your brother and you know him. If you believe, pray. All I can offer you are words and prayer.

In Nov 1988 (just turned24) I sat in my brothers apartment by myself crying like a baby because I could not control myself. I sat there smoking a fatty watching SNL disgusted with myself. Got on my knees and cried out to God with an honest heart and in great need. My desires changed although I continued to struggled but it was decision time and the truth was right in front of me. My heart changed that night and my struggles became easier with the help I called for. Never went to a class or doctor. Not saying it was easy but the fight was on and I had a big guy on my side.

Some chalk it up to self will but I know where I was and I know what my mind decided to do. Give credit where credit is due and all things are possible. I was 24 when I walked away from drugs and never looked back. Tricking someone into a meeting gives them a reason to be severely embarrassed and needing an out. Allow your love for him dictate your action.
 
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jakester

New member
Dex, I'm no therapist or anything like that, but first let me say, Lenny that was mighty big of you to throw that out there. I would just like to say that growing up, has a kid my dad was a alcoholic. A functioning one and a very hard worker. I was a pretty good jock in my day and tried to make him so proud of me, thinking the better I did maybe he would stop. That never happened. Point being, and it was hard to take,but that person will not change until that person wants to change. I don't know how my Mom did it all the years they were married. They have both passed on now and I miss them and talk to them in my prayers.I'm in my fifties now and it took me a long time to understand my Dad. I have to say this though, that the last seven years my Dad was alive he never had a drink. I don't know how he did it, but he did it on his own, He died pretty young, 63 and just retired.I read a book when I was in my late thirty's that real helped. It was called " Adult Children of Alcoholics" I hope and pray for you your family and your brother that things get better. I admire you for reaching out with such a tough problem. There are a lot of things out there to get help. My oldest daughter works with young adults with many problems, and with a lot of failure there is also some great success stories. Good luck and I hope you and your brother the absolute best.
 
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peter

Member
Lenny's advise is right on. Don't get mad, yell, etc... You, family, and friends will have to support him all the way through thick and thin. Don't give up. AA or NA meeting are not for everyone, for some it works. He has to find what works for him. Don't look down upon him because addiction grabbed him, it can grab anyone. Laying off the junk may be his biggest battle of life. It was mine so far. Not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of my past. Most important is he has to admit theres a problem and he has to want help before help comes.
 
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MZEMS2

New member
The entire family has to "buy in" to the plan to help him out of his troubles. I too had an alcaholic father and brother. My brother often experimented with recreational drugs too. He had an awesome job tha allowed him to travel the world, then one day, he was "downsized" and lost it all. From that poiint on he seeked out whatever took him "away" from reality. It got worse and worse. The bad thing is that most of us, other than his wife at the time, really had no idea. He never did rebound enough to help himself and in the end took his own life. My father is alive and well, and not drinking, BUT, only because he got to the point of being to lazy to care for himself, that his health went in the tubes and is now in a nursing home. So, neither of these two guys faired too well. So, the hard part is next. You've oviously become aware of his troubles, now you have to follow through with a plan to intervene. Don't come down on him for where he is, but just offer to help him get away from it all. Be it a place to stay, a meal at your place a couple times a week, some weekend get togethers, common hobbies...whatever you guys can do to get him away from the "wrong crowd". If the family makes an effort to show that they have something better to offer him than his thug "friends", he may walk away from them. This is just the first step. Too bad I didn't understand it all 10 years ago, my brother may still be here. Good luck with your family!!!
 
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wilson

New member
oh my god does this all hit home, my little brother was married had three kids and a good job-worked all his life starting in high school, went through a devorce and was forced to start over, which he did ok...till he lost his job...there he is with a house payment, living by himself, couldn't make ends meet...started drinking, and drinking, he gave up on life got way behind on bills, he let himself go, he looked like ****, i would go over and see him and yell at him hoping he would change,( i have a wife and two kids) so i couldn"t or didn't spend a lot of time with him, my other brother did the same as well as my sister, but we all had our own lives...the neighbors found him once passed out on the front lawn where they say he fell off his porch, he ended up in the hospital where he went through detox, he got out of the hospital and we thought he had seen the light...he went right back to drinking till he died when his house was completely destroyed by fire with him in it...till this day i still regret that we didn't force him into some sort of rehab, he lived by himself and had no one there for support, they must have support 24 hrs. a day, not part time!! three months after my brother died my father passed away, i have been battling depression since then, but the jd family has help alot, from the thread when i asked for help last november, the responce was great comfort and helped greatly, i still deal with this everyday and hope soon i can put this behind me...it has affected my life and my family and changed us forever and will never go away, i just hope the pain and the guilt that we should have done more eases with time. i hope this helps and that he is able to recover.
 
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booondocker

New member
Your brother is lucky he has YOU and others who really care about what happens to him.

You are on the right track. BEFORE you confront him on this you need to get the rest of the family together while he is not there and decide on a course of action. In all likelyhood, he is worse off, and further down the addiction route than you even know about...so assume that.

Seek professional help if at all possible. This is not something that can be talked away....assuming he is addicted...this is a physical attraction to a drug that controls him. He will in all likelyhood do everything in his power to prevent you from doing anything he does not want to do.

Do your research, print documents get everyone up to speed on this problem, and then with the help of a professional, you have what is called an intervention. Without his knowledge, you gather your entire family, his girlfriend, her family, his friends and at one grand gathering which hopefully will not be interrupted by anything to distract, each of you stand up and talk from the heart. Let him know that YOU know what's going on, that you love him and need him around and that he is on a path of destruction that is certain as the sun rises. Follow the lead of the professional who has done these interventions before....hopefully many times.

Be prepared that it might not work. But you would be surprised how often it does work. It is powerful to look around and see everyone you care about tell you how much they want YOU to change and to get professional help.

If this works, he will admit himself to a clinic where they will use modern technology to get him unaddicted, and to change his mindset. A car will be waiting with professionals ready to do their jobs and get him to the clinic and the real help he will need. He is in for the fight of his life.

Just like an alcoholic, you are never cured of this...you are always one joint, one sniff, one high away from relapsing back to your old ways.

Hopefully he will go along with it, and one of the things that will happen is that the professionals will provide proof that those guys around him who don't have the support he has are goners....losers, and will drag him down at every turn. If he can see that understand that, he has a good chance of kicking this. If not....well, you did all you can and there isn't much hope for him unless and until he hits absolute rock bottom which means job, money, friends, family...all gone. Some recover when this happens...some recover for a period of time and eventually do it again and again.

Hopefully you will work with him to achieve this goal and with the help of everyone he will be fine.

Good luck...and draw down from your inner most strengths to accomplish the task....someone you care about is crying out in silence for your help and like it or not...it is up to you and others who care about this poor soul to get it together and give him the lift he needs to get over this hump in life.
 
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lenny

Guest
lots of good advise but NEVER underestimate the power of God, that is if you believe, on the fence or whatever. The will and pride of man is wild and unpredictable. We're all different and respond differently that's why I said you know your bro so Tailor your actions to all you know about him and the situation.

My dad is a life time alcoholic and we tried a intervention with him some 25 years ago with no success. He said all the right things and a few weeks later he was back at it. He just turned 80 2 weeks ago and has not had a drink for 40 days, just changed his mind, I pray he stays focused.

Conventional or non-conventional approach, love him unconditionally and do not enable. He's an adult and if he opens his eyes as a result of your family's concern, AMEN!
 
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mjkaliszak

New member
dexterrutecky63 said:
I am speaking with famliy now to see how we want to handle this as a family unit. My goodness, the range of emotions we all feel....
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Some advise from my wife, get in touch with AL-NON. They are a group associated with helping family members of alcoholics & addicts.

Feel free to PM me should have more questions.
 
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doomsman

New member
I hate to say it, but if it goes that bad you will have
to say goodbye. It hurts and you will wake up at night
and worry about him. We are not our brothers keeper
or can not always be.
 
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