Funny story from Dootalk.....Can't stop laughing

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doospunk

Active member
Haha. That was good. Here's another that was floating around over there or Snowest at some point or other.


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun,
adequate time to retreat to safety.


WAY TOO COOL!!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working.


Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave).


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong??


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY
CHIT, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, Wow, I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again!!!


I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.


You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-...
That hurt like heck!!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh,
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.


Still in shock,
 
T

tman

Member
Here is another story similar to the public bathroom story above,and equally as funny. It will make you laugh out loud! Enjoy.

I went to Ace hardware recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to
<font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font> yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,
the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until
I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about I'm referring
to that 'Uh, Oh, <font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font>, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,
and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible,
wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh..........BIG mistake!<font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font>


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told
a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing
the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my <font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font><font color="ff0000">&#149;</font> is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending
to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
 
Y

yamahachick

New member
OMG both of you posted good ones, my co-workers think I've lost it... Awesome keep em coming!!

Laughter is the BEST medicine.
 
C

carole

New member
STOP IT WITH THESE STORIES....I am quietly laughing so hard, to myself, that my stomach hurts like crazy. Since I sit across from Yamahahick 'our' co workers can only assume we are on 'that' site on the internet. WAY WAY WAY TOO FUNNY!!!!
 
S

snowbuff

New member
I've been forewarding these stories to my address book, and getting replies all day on how funny they are. It took me half an hour to be able to see again, from tears filling my eyes. Great stuff!!!!
 
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