Joke of the day
- Thread starter polarisrider1
- Start date
Ouch!!!!!!!
Norwegian Virgin
Olaf Swensen was out in his pasture in Northern Minnesota when he took a lightning quick kick from a cow right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena is still a Virgin in every vay."
The doctor said, "Olaf, I'll have to put your villy in a splint to let it heal & keep it straight. It should be okay next veek, but, leave it on dere as long as you can."
The doctor proceded to take four tounge depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided splint & taped it all together. Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, 1 week later married her & went on their honeymoon in Duluth.
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched ------s. She said, "Olaf, you're da first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez!" Olaf immediately dropped his trousers & replied: "Look at dis Lena....still in Da Crate!!!"-Mezz
Just read this! HAHAHAHA! Good stuff
click link --->The Italian Carpool Lane
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
OLE'S MINNESOTA FIRE INSURANCE
A man and his wife moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen, direct from Ole's Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00."
I always did find the Minnesota logic far superior to most others!!!
A man and his wife moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen, direct from Ole's Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00."
I always did find the Minnesota logic far superior to most others!!!
mezz
Well-known member
FLU SEASON....to avoid it,
-Eat right
-Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit & veggies
-Take your vitamins & bump up your vitamin C
-Get plenty of excercise because it builds your immune system
-Walk for at least an hour a day
-Go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the lift, etc..
-Wash your hands often
-Get lots of fresh air
-Open doors & windows whenever possible
-Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can
-Get plenty of rest.
OR,
Take the doctor's approach. Think about it,
When you go for your flu jab, what do they do first? they clean your arm with alcohol.... Why?
Because alcohol Kills Germs. So....
I walk to the pub, (excercise)
I put a lime in my vodka, (fruit)
Celery in my Bloddy Mary, (Veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio, (fresh air)
Tell jokes & laugh, (eliminating stress)
Then I pass out, (rest)
The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you, Remember, a shot in the glass is better than one in the azz!
-Mezz
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An older lady goes to the doctor and says:
"Doc, I don’t know what to do,
I just can’t stop passing gas."
She continues. "Luckily they are the silent kind and they don’t stink.
“I farted twice since I’ve been here and you didn’t even notice”
The doc says, “Here, take these pills and come back in a week”
A week later she storms into his office and says:
“I don’t know what's in those pills you gave me but now my farts REEK!!”
The doc says “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up you sinuses, Lets work on that hearing problem."
"Doc, I don’t know what to do,
I just can’t stop passing gas."
She continues. "Luckily they are the silent kind and they don’t stink.
“I farted twice since I’ve been here and you didn’t even notice”
The doc says, “Here, take these pills and come back in a week”
A week later she storms into his office and says:
“I don’t know what's in those pills you gave me but now my farts REEK!!”
The doc says “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up you sinuses, Lets work on that hearing problem."
Stosh Zelkovitski worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his private parts in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Stosh to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Stosh tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his thingy in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find all was normal. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"Stosh replied, "I think she got fired, too."
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Stosh to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Stosh tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his thingy in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find all was normal. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"Stosh replied, "I think she got fired, too."
D
Deleted member 10829
Guest
Wife takes husband to her High School reunion.
There's a guy on the dance floor happily break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
There's a guy on the dance floor happily break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
D
Deleted member 10829
Guest
Skidooski,
It made me laugh out loud, so I had to share!
It made me laugh out loud, so I had to share!
D
Deleted member 10829
Guest
Angry wife!!
The wife was screaming at her husband:
"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled,
"And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied
"So now you want me to stay?"
The wife was screaming at her husband:
"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As he was walking out the door she yelled,
"And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
He turned around and replied
"So now you want me to stay?"
polarisrider1
New member
A waitress is explaining to a New Yorker guest in a Tennessee diner that the special of the day is calf tongue in moonshine sauce. The guest shakes his head and says,"I don't want anything that comes from an animals mouth; just give me some eggs."
polarisrider1
New member
An older guy with a pot-belly was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young well-built woman. He immediately asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet young thang over there?" The trainer looked him up and down, and dryly replied, "The ATM machine in the lobby."
OLE, SVEN, and LARS decide they are going to Mankato for a vacation.
They get falling down drunk and wake up in jail and find out they all
have been sentenced to die in the electric chair.
SVEN is the first to be strapped in the electric chair and the guards
ask if he has any last words. Sven says, "I yust graduated from St.
John's College in Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I
am a good Christian man.... but if it is God's will for me to die, so
be it." The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The
guards get on their knees and say, "You are surely a Godly man and we
are going to let you go."
LARS is next to be strapped into the electric chair and the guards ask
if he has any last words. Lars says, "I yust graduated from Concordia
college in Moorhead, Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and
I am a God fearing man. If it is my time to die, it is God's will."
The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards say, "You
also are a Godly man and we are going to let you go."
OLE is the last to be strapped into the electric chair. The guards
ask him if he has any last words. Ole says, "Vel, I yust graduated
from South Dakota Tech in electrical engineering.... and I'll tell ya
right now, if you don't plug dat ting in, it ain't gonna work."
They get falling down drunk and wake up in jail and find out they all
have been sentenced to die in the electric chair.
SVEN is the first to be strapped in the electric chair and the guards
ask if he has any last words. Sven says, "I yust graduated from St.
John's College in Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I
am a good Christian man.... but if it is God's will for me to die, so
be it." The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The
guards get on their knees and say, "You are surely a Godly man and we
are going to let you go."
LARS is next to be strapped into the electric chair and the guards ask
if he has any last words. Lars says, "I yust graduated from Concordia
college in Moorhead, Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and
I am a God fearing man. If it is my time to die, it is God's will."
The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards say, "You
also are a Godly man and we are going to let you go."
OLE is the last to be strapped into the electric chair. The guards
ask him if he has any last words. Ole says, "Vel, I yust graduated
from South Dakota Tech in electrical engineering.... and I'll tell ya
right now, if you don't plug dat ting in, it ain't gonna work."