Joke of the day

eagle1

eagle1

Well-known member
I can't take it anymore

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, Job losses, outsourcing, social security, political correctness etc. I called the suicide hot line. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck. :p
 
U

upbarleyboy

New member
Why I drink beer!!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 25 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,
"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill,
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
 
D

dcsnomo

Moderator
eagle1 said:
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, Job losses, outsourcing, social security, political correctness etc. I called the suicide hot line. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck. :p
Click to expand...

Already stole it from you! Thanks for the material!
 
C

catalac

Active member
eagle1 said:
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, Job losses, outsourcing, social security, political correctness etc. I called the suicide hot line. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck. :p
Click to expand...

That doesn't sound like a joke, it's probably true. lol
 
F

fusionfool

New member
upbarleyboy said:
Why I drink beer!!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 25 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,
"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill,
"So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Click to expand...
Wow, that would be approximatly 3,481 or more affairs.
Cash from Cans</SPAN>
Price / Lb</SPAN>
Lbs</SPAN>
Est Cans / Lb</SPAN>
Affairs</SPAN>
$ 81,874.25 </SPAN>
$ 0.84 </SPAN>
97,469.35 </SPAN>
28</SPAN>
3,481.05 </SPAN>

<TBODY>
</TBODY>
Sorry, just had to figure out approximate as I was currious howmany.
 
Y

yoopermike

New member
fusionfool said:
Wow, that would be approximatly 3,481 or more affairs.
Cash from Cans</SPAN>
Price / Lb</SPAN>
Lbs</SPAN>
Est Cans / Lb</SPAN>
Affairs</SPAN>
$ 81,874.25 </SPAN>
$ 0.84 </SPAN>
97,469.35 </SPAN>
28</SPAN>
3,481.05 </SPAN>

<TBODY>
</TBODY>
Sorry, just had to figure out approximate as I was currious howmany.
Click to expand...

If they were MI returnables, he had 818,742.5 affairs. What exactly is a 1/2 affair anyways?
 
F

fusionfool

New member
yoopermike said:
If they were MI returnables, he had 818,742.5 affairs. What exactly is a 1/2 affair anyways?
Click to expand...
To be honest, I believe Clinton perfected the .5 affair. He did not have sexual relations with Monica. Probably a .5 doing something else.
Corrections made, that's what I get trying to use my phone to reply :)
 
Last edited:
F

frnash

Active member
fusionfool said:
To be honest, I believe Clinton perfected the .5 affair. He did not have sectual [sic] relations with Monica. Probably a .5 doing something else. :)
Click to expand...

dcsnomo said:
Calling Nash!
Click to expand...

Come to think of it, fusionfool's original spelling ("sectual") might have been accurate, if quoting ol' "weasel word ("It depends on what the meaning of the word 'sectual' is.") Willy", that is. :)
 
C

catalac

Active member
" I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up till the day he killed himself."

"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are alot more willing to die."

"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt
and then having him catch his hand in the drill"

Thanks to Johnny Carson for the quips.
 
mezz

mezz

Well-known member
Who Done It?

A high priced attorney, the tooth fairy & a low priced attorney were in a waiting room together with a $100 bill sitting on the table. Suddenly the lights went out & all was dark, shortly, the lights came back on & the $100 bill was missing, Who Done it?
ANSWER: It was the high priced lawyer, the other 2 are just figments of your imagination! :eek:-Mezz
 
eagle1

eagle1

Well-known member
Funniest joke I heard in a long time-


IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says

Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and piss into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'
 
mezz

mezz

Well-known member
Life Before The Computer

-Memory was something that you lost with age
-An application was for employment
-A program was a TV show
-A cursor used profanity
-A keyboard was a musical instrument
-A web was a spiders home
-A virus was the flu
-A CD was a bank account
-A hard drive was a long road trip
-A mouse pad was where the mouse lived
-And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy, well, you just hoped nobody found out.

Have A Day!:D-Mezz
 
Last edited:
LoveMyDobe

LoveMyDobe

Active member
Why don't women from MN date men from WI?

Have ya seen what a Badger can do to a Gopher hole!!!!
 
Last edited:
mezz

mezz

Well-known member
Today's word is...Fluctuations

you may never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke....

I was at my bank today, there was a short line, just one lady in front of me, an Aisan lady who was trying to exhange yen for dollars.
It was obvious that she was becoming irritated....
She asked the teller "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen, today I only get hunat eighty, why it change?!?!? The teller shrugged his shoulders & say's..."Fluctuations."

The Asian lady say's, "Fluc you white people too!".....:cool: Have a Monday!-Mezz
 
Last edited:
S

switch07

Member
Obama dies and goes to **** and the devil meets him at the gates and tells him he is overbooked in the presidential wing. He explains that he has the option of taking the place of whoever is there and the devil would then release that person. The devil opened the first door and there was Nixon with a sledge hammer breaking up rock. Obama said "no way, that is too much work, what else do you have". The next door revealed Bush jr swinging an ax at an endless stack of fire wood for the furnace. Obama stated, "not for me nope, anything else". The last door in the wing was opened and there laid Bill Clinton flat on his back with Monica doing her thing quite vigorously. Obama's eyes lit up and said "yes, yes I can do that"! The devil exlaimed, "ok if thats what you want". "Hey Monica you can leave now"...........
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top